"Dragging that garbage can with all that cat litter in it was like dragging a dead body"

In walks husband from taking out garbage, panting. Seriously panting. 

Me:  What's wrong? 
Him:  (Huff) Dragging that (huff) garbage can (huff) with all that cat litter (huff huff) in it was like (huff) dragging a dead body. 
Me:  I see. 
Him:  I had to like (huff) do it in shifts. (goes to kitchen) 

[a (huffing) moment passes] 

Me:  What do you know about dragging a dead body? 
Him:  Nothing. 
Me:  I see. 
Him:  I think I hurt my back. 
Me:  You've got to be sh*tting me. 
Him:  Not seriously hurt it, just irritated it. 

[a moment passes; still huffing, he enters the room with ice pack] 

Him:  Don't judge me. Better safe than sorry. 
Me:  I'm very much judging. 

[Still huffing as I post this] 

Ahhh, motherly support

After arriving at my parents' house yesterday, I removed my coat and my mother hung it in the hall closet. "How cute!" she said, looking at my ever-growing belly. "You're really moving up in the world!" Well, moving out might be more accurate. 

Anyway, I responded that, yes, this bump is a-growin' and my shirts are getting too short. Moments later, she took another look at my stomach and said, "I hate to say this, but - " 

"Don't even say this baby is going to be big." 

". . . he might not be such a little guy after all . . . . " The "little guy" assumption comes from my 20-week ultrasound when his weight put him in the 29th percentile. 

A few hours later, when Brad arrived after putting the first coat of stain on our newly sanded hallway floor (yes, we are once again displaced, roaming around the 'burbs of Pittsburgh, transient-like), I reported my mother's comments to him. He chuckled.

"Well, it's just that it's all in front," she said in defense. "It's not anywhere else."

I made a face at her. 

"You're just such a small person, so maybe it's not actually that big, it just looks big on you." 

Another face. 

"I'm just saying." 

It's too late, Mom. It's way too late: you've already put the terror of a 9 lb. baby into my head. 

This is how you know you're living way out yonder:

When you search Craigslist for the name of your township and the fifth result is a lamb for sale. Like, a real live lamb. On a farm. Yep, that's how you know. 

Bah! I want to come live with you! 

The Friday 4: Best Craigslist Funnies

You see some strange stuff on Craigslist. No doubt about it. Some of the strangest is in the "Free" section - which, of course, I am always checking :) - but there's also a lot of hilarious spellings out there. 

I can't claim these are the funniest I've ever seen - but they are the funniest I've seen recently. 

4.  "vintage linoleum flooring pieces" described by the owner as "creepy nursery" (free) 

I believe the picture shows such a description to be accurate. 

Eek! 

 3.  ottoman spelled autumn or automan  

    or 

beveled spelled bevold 

dining room spelled dinningroom 

wrought iron spelled (of course) rod iron 

armoire spelled, variously, armire, amoir, or armore 

2.  "Vintage JESUS bead curtain" 

This thing costs a whopping $75, but what the seller posted before the pictures almost makes it worth it: 

"Walk into Jesus anytime you want!" 

1.  "FROZEN MEAT" (free) 

Unfortunately, there was no picture with this one. But, as if the title isn't delicious enough, the description will have you rushing to your local deli: 

"I have about 3 pounds of frozen salami, sliced. Been in the freezer for about a year.
Not sure if this is something that your animals can eat or not." 

Yeah, that's real. I did not make it up. If only I had, my friends. If only I had.

You know you're cheap when you say,

"Yeah, I want that Hemnes chest of drawers, but I don't want to pay the full Ikea price." 

    or, even worse, 

"This Goodwill is expensive!" and "There was this adorable onesie, but it was $2.00 and I was like, No way!" 

    or, perhaps even worse, 

"That Salvation Army is ridiculous. It's too expensive - I'm not going back there again." 

I think we can officially say I've taken design-on-a-dime to a new (absurd?) level. 

And then, out of nowhere, Brad says,

"What's that .1% of germs that nothing can kill?" 

(You know, like how antibacterial soap and hand sanitizer kill 99.9% of germs.) 

Hmmmm, I really don't know. And, now that I'm thinking about it, I'd rather not. 

Oh, Charlie Brown

I didn't watch the movie this year, but I saw the commercial a few times tonight, and something Linus says is just cracking me up: 

"Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem." 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I love it. Surely we all know that person . . . . 

Oh, and Merry Christmas (a day late)! 

It's amazing that we make it through the day without an instruction guide

From the other room I hear, "You know what I'd really like to get?" 

"Oh great," I say, excepting something expensive and/or absurd. "What?" 

Brad appears in the living room. "I forget what they're called. One of those plastic bins you use to carry laundry up and down the stairs." 

I pause a second, b/c this seems nearly impossible. Then I say, "You mean, a laundry basket?" 

"Oh, yeah!" he responds. 

Me, with narrowed eyes: "We have one of those somewhere." 

Oh, wow, a plastic bin that you use to carry 
laundry up and down the stairs! 

He really said this

Brad gets home from grocery shopping a little bit ago and begins putting things away in a rush of lunacy. I sort of just sit there and watch and chat with him. At the tail-end of the effort, it occurs to me that perhaps I should lend a hand. But now there's not really anything left to do. Unprompted, I announce, 

Me: "I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen while you were gone. I do my part." 

Him: "I know you do." 

Me: "Baby doesn't do his/her part." (Yeah, I just said that - real mature, I know.) 

Him: "Oh, he or she will have plenty of chores when they're big. [Pause.] I'm already looking forward to it." 

Me: [Laughing.] "Are you serious?" 

Him: "Is that weird?" 

No no, completely normal. What expectant parent doesn't think, "Ohhhhh, how great: in a bunch of years my kid'll be doing chores which means I'll have to do less!"?

Why I love Bob Costas

As if his years of stellar - and hilarious - Olympic coverage and the fact that he hasn't aged in 20 years weren't sufficient, tonight on Monday Night Football, Steelers vs. Chiefs, Bob Costas busted out the following line: 

"We live in a culture that in many ways grows more stupid and graceless by the minute . . . . " 

The man's got his finger on the pulse of America. 

My boy Costas then continued by commenting on the absurd, obnoxious, ridiculous celebrations that go on in the NFL end zone or after a sack, etc., a critique with which I could not agree anymore whole-heartedly (and I'm guessing most NFL fans are with me). 

Before closing, Costas offered another gem, saying, "Hey knuckleheads, is it too much to ask that you confine your buffoonery to situations that don't directly damage your team?" 

Is he 30? 40? 50? 

I do believe those knuckleheads were just Costa-cized. 

Yep, Costa-cized. That's a term Brad and I coined during the '06 Torino Winter Olympics to describe the phenomenon of a Bob Costas zing! - beautifully exemplified by his commentary during the male cross-country relay event:

 "Truly a warm moment on a cold and snowy night in Torino. The hometown fans just loving this. And I'm loving this Christian Zorzi, the anchorman on the relay team. He was nicknamed 'Zorro' in Salt Lake after an individual bronze medal performance when he donned a cape and a mask. Which is pretty much what I like to do after what I consider a successful broadcast." 

Isn't he refreshingly fab? I think Brad just summed it up quite well: "Oh, Costas, he's a rascal." 

Philosoraptor says . . .

Courtesy of Brad, courtesy of the Philosoraptor - The Philosophy of a Dirty Reptile Mind App for the iPad 2, I've come across this hilarious little piece of brilliance: 

"If a man speaks his mind in a forest and no woman is around to hear it . . . Is he still wrong?" 

Surely the answer is yes. :)